Saturday, December 4, 2010


It's the end of times in my house!

Over a month ago, the on/off button on our bedroom TV seemingly broke.  Luckily, the remote still works.

A week or so later, the toilet in the guest bathroom stopped sealing properly.  Both L and I are too busy (and when free, too lazy) to go buy a replacement kit for it.  Hence, over time, the leak progressed into an almost constant trickle.  Even now, I can hear it.  Damn, now I have to pee, too!

A week after that, L switched on the light in the master bath, and when he tried to switch it off, it wouldn't stay in the off position.  I have NEVER heard of that happening.  There must be some kind of spring or latch that will hold it on and hold it off.  The "hold it on" works, but the "hold it off" doesn't.  So, for two weeks, I've used tape to hold the light switch in the off position. 

No giant fingers were available.

L has been sick with some kind of sinus crud since before Thanksgiving.

Tuesday, we came home to find our bedroom TV on and the cat none too happy about it. 

Ants began moving into my house sometime between Tuesday night and Wednesday morning.  This can happen when it has been very dry and then rains over an inch.  The rains came on Monday, so I wasn't too surprised.  However, this was a full-scale invasion.  The little numbskulls brought the eggs too.  EGGS!  Ew!

Hate you guys!

I hosed the counter down with ant killer, and after killing them, L determined that they were gaining entry to the kitchen through the outlet by the sink.  When he took the cover off, globs of dead ants fell all over the counter.
"Oh, I hope they aren't in the walls," L said.
I hosed the outlet down, and then Thursday around lunchtime, I sprayed a barrier along the bottom of the house.  I had done this before, and it worked.  So, why not again?  Friday - no ants. 

Last night, my cell phone lit up for no reason.  This morning around 4am, the TV turned on for no reason.  Neither L nor I was on the remote.  It was sitting untouched on the nightstand. 

Yes, this is exactly the first thing that came to mind.

Then, this morning happened.  First, L dumped a Brita pitcher full of water all over the kitchen counter, drawers, and floor.  True, my kitchen isn't made of sugar, but the cabinets are prone to getting unsightly white blotches from prolonged exposure to water.  So, L stripped and used his clothes and all our kitchen towels to mop up the mess. 

"At least the ants are gone," he said, cursing us.

About this time, I noticed an ant line running from the pantry to the oven.  "Oh no they aren't," I said.  The ants I thought I'd killed either found a new way into the house or a way out of the walls for they were swarming my bag of potatoes.  They had climbed up the bottle of juice to the dangling plastic top of the potato bag.  From there, they made their way to other shelves.  Almost everything was sealed too tightly to draw their attention, but several of them met their deaths in my honey bear.

Death by honey - I can think of worse ways to go.

I sprayed the pantry and the ant line and then smashed rogues that I found here and there.  Meanwhile, my retarded cat decided he needed to walk over the poison I just sprayed all over the floor.  While L dealt with the ant-covered potatoes, I mopped up the poison and yelled at the cat to get lost.

Ants dead, poison washed away, and ants seemingly under control, I proceeded to make breakfast.  I burned my hand while making pancakes.  An hour ago, I went into the bedroom to find the damned TV on again.  Oh, and the power button works, but it is so sensitive, that blowing on it will turn it on or off.

What am I missing?  Please tell me now.  I've forgotten what little I learned of Revelation.  I'm going out tonight, but I'm almost afraid to leave.  What if a plane headed from Birmingham to Tuscaloosa crashes on me when I go outside?  Maybe I'm overreacting.  Surely a plane won't crash on me.  Right?   

1 comment:

  1. I'm out of breath, and I didn't have to do any of it! Great writing!